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Can you say “no”?

18 statements about how you handle requests, other people's expectations and your own wishes. Think back over the last two weeks and answer as things really are — there are no right answers here. Your result appears straight away, with a breakdown across four areas.

  • 18 questions
  • about 5 minutes
  • answers never leave your browser
Two people at a table with cups; one of them signals a pause with an open palm

Answers are processed in your browser only: they are never sent to the site and they disappear when you refresh the page.

If you feel very bad right now and have thoughts of harming yourself, or that you would be better off not living, do not wait for an appointment. Contact your local emergency service. In Kazakhstan — 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty). In another country, call your local emergency number.

Question 1 of 18

  1. 1 I notice that I am tired or overloaded only when I have no strength left.
    How often has this been true over the last two weeks?
  2. 2 Before I answer a request, I manage to work out whether I actually want to do it.
  3. 3 If someone asks me straight out what I want, I find it hard to answer.
  4. 4 The people close to me notice that I need rest or help before I do.
  5. 5 After refusing, I feel guilty for a long time, as if I had done something wrong.
  6. 6 I am afraid that after my “no” the person will be offended, cool off or drift away.
  7. 7 I apologise even when I have done nothing wrong.
  8. 8 I can refuse and not keep returning to it in my thoughts.
  9. 9 I feel that people think of me as a good person only as long as I do not refuse them.
  10. 10 I agree to requests that I would rather have answered with a “no”.
  11. 11 I can say “no” briefly, without excuses and without inventing reasons.
  12. 12 I explain my refusal in such detail that it sounds like an excuse.
  13. 13 I rehearse a refusal for a long time — and end up agreeing.
  14. 14 I find it hard to ask for something for myself, even when I genuinely need help.
  15. 15 I take on other people's tasks because “it's no trouble”, when in fact it is.
  16. 16 My plans get cancelled for other people's requests more often than I would like.
  17. 17 I put up with things until the last moment, then snap at the people who asked.
  18. 18 I keep helping people who only remember me when they need something.
Over the last two weeks, have you had thoughts of harming yourself, or that you would be better off not living?

Only you can see this answer, and it is not counted in the score. This question is the same in every test: it is about safety, not the topic of the test, and it is asked out of care, not for diagnosis.

Left to answer: 19

This is an author-made self-observation checklist, not a validated instrument and not a medical assessment. It does not diagnose anything and does not replace a consultation with a specialist.

What this is based on

The checklist is built on the concept of assertiveness — the ability to state your needs directly and to refuse directly without violating the other person's rights (review: Speed, Goldstein, Goldfried, 2018) — and on four areas where boundaries usually give way: recognising your own needs, guilt and fear when refusing, the actual words of refusal, and what happens to your tasks and time. Its reference points are the interpersonal view of guilt (Baumeister, Stillwell, Heatherton, 1994), the description of “unmitigated communion” — care for others at your own expense (Helgeson, Fritz, 1998), and the non-assertive and overly accommodating scales of the Inventory of Interpersonal Problems (Alden, Wiggins, Pincus, 1990). The wording of the statements is original; items from the questionnaires are not copied. This is self-observation, not a validated instrument. The total of 0–54 is divided into four zones: your boundaries work, saying “no” does not come easily, other people's expectations run your choices, your boundaries are barely audible.

Sources

  1. Speed B.C., Goldstein B.L., Goldfried M.R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. DOI 10.1111/cpsp.12216
  2. Baumeister R.F., Stillwell A.M., Heatherton T.F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin. DOI 10.1037/0033-2909.115.2.243
  3. Helgeson V.S., Fritz H.L. (1998). A theory of unmitigated communion. Personality and Social Psychology Review. DOI 10.1207/s15327957pspr0203_2
  4. Gross J.J., John O.P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. DOI 10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
  5. Alden L.E., Wiggins J.S., Pincus A.L. (1990). Construction of circumplex scales for the Inventory of Interpersonal Problems. Journal of Personality Assessment. DOI 10.1080/00223891.1990.9674088

Would you like “no” to stop being an act of bravery?

At the first consultation we will look at what stands behind refusal for you — whose voice speaks inside when you agree against your will — and rehearse your first calm refusals.

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