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Boundaries without guilt: why “no” is so hard to say

You said yes, and now you are angry with yourself. You said no, and guilt gnaws at you as if you had betrayed someone. If both options feel bad, the trouble is not with the decisions but with the wiring: a boundary registers as aggression rather than as something ordinary, and aggression has to be paid for — with guilt.

  • Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist
  • Updated: September 28, 2026
A low garden fence with an open gate, flowers on both sides

Where it comes from

Often it comes from past experience, when a refusal cost a relationship: people took offence, pulled away, punished you with coldness[1]. The mind drew its own conclusion: “no” means “losing someone”. Since then, every forced “yes” has been a small insurance policy against a large imagined loss. An expensive policy: you pay in time, in energy and in accumulated irritation, which does not go anywhere. Suppressing your feelings at moments when you give in to someone close is linked with worse wellbeing and lower relationship quality[2].

Three myths about boundaries

“Boundaries are selfish”: in fact, a person who can say no is easier and more reliable to deal with — their “yes” really means “yes”. They don’t store up grievances and don’t explode[3]. “You can’t say no to the people close to you”: in reality, close relationships without boundaries are exactly where distance grows — a silent “yes” eats away at them from the inside[2]. “You have to explain your reasons”: a refusal with three excuses attached sounds like an invitation to haggle; a calm “no, that won’t work” is a complete sentence.

What the research says about not being able to say no

Difficulty standing up for yourself often goes hand in hand with low mood and social anxiety[3]. Assertiveness training is one of the oldest methods of behavioural therapy, and saying no is one of its key exercises. According to a meta-analysis of randomised trials, such training reduces social anxiety[4].

How to practise saying no

Start where it costs least: a refusal with next to nothing at stake — an unwanted mailing list, an inconvenient time, “keep an eye on my bag”[3]. Then notice that the world did not end. Pause before saying yes: “I’ll have a look and get back to you” is a perfectly fair way to avoid agreeing on reflex. And count the cost: every “yes” to someone is a “no” to something of your own; the only question is whether you can see what that is. To see where you stand, try the “Can you say ‘no’?” test.

Sources

  1. Assor A., Roth G., Deci E. L. (2004). The Emotional Costs of Parents' Conditional Regard: A Self-Determination Theory Analysis. Journal of Personality, 72(1), 47–88, DOI 10.1111/j.0022-3506.2004.00256.x
  2. Impett E. A., Kogan A., English T., John O., Oveis C., Gordon A. M., Keltner D. (2012). Suppression Sours Sacrifice. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(6), 707–720, DOI 10.1177/0146167212437249
  3. Speed B. C., Goldstein B. L., Goldfried M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216, DOI 10.1111/cpsp.12216
  4. Hede J. P., Malouff J. M., Meynadier J. (2026). A Meta-Analysis of Randomised Controlled Trials on the Efficacy of Assertiveness Training for Social Anxiety. International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, 11(2), DOI 10.1007/s41042-026-00297-7

The limits of this article

This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help.

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If the forced “yes” has been repeating for years, in a session we can look at whose voice speaks when you agree.

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