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Do you hear your child?

A test for parents of children aged about 6–16. 20 statements about your conversations with your child over the past two weeks — answer as things actually were, not as you would like them to be. This is not an exam in being a “good parent” but a way to look at your contact from five angles. The result appears straight away, together with the area worth looking at first.

  • 20 questions
  • about 5 minutes
  • answers never leave your browser
A mother sits next to her child on the sofa and listens, leaning towards him

Answers are processed in your browser only: they are never sent to the site and they disappear when you refresh the page.

If you feel very bad right now and have thoughts of harming yourself, or that you would be better off not living, do not wait for an appointment. Contact your local emergency service. In Kazakhstan — 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty). In another country, call your local emergency number.

Question 1 of 20

  1. 1 I answer my child without looking up from my phone or other things.
    How often has this been true over the last two weeks?
  2. 2 I interrupt with advice or a conclusion before my child has finished speaking.
  3. 3 A brief “everything’s fine” is where our conversation ends.
  4. 4 I ask what my child meant instead of guessing for them.
  5. 5 When my child is angry or crying, the first thing I do is demand that they calm down.
  6. 6 I notice when my child is having a hard time, even if they say nothing.
  7. 7 When my child is scared or hurt, I immediately explain that there is nothing to be scared or upset about, instead of listening.
  8. 8 When my child is happy about something and shares it, I answer briefly and go back to my own things.
  9. 9 The rules in our home change depending on my mood.
  10. 10 I raise my voice sooner than I would like to.
  11. 11 My child finds out the consequences of breaking a rule from my reaction rather than knowing them in advance.
  12. 12 If a conversation turned sharp, I come back to it and finish it calmly.
  13. 13 I hear about important events in my child’s life from other people.
  14. 14 We have no time left simply to be together — with no purpose and no agenda.
  15. 15 I find it hard to remember what my child is into right now.
  16. 16 Our conversations come down to homework, marks and whether my child has eaten.
  17. 17 By evening I have no energy left for a conversation with my child — only for checking homework and the bedtime routine.
  18. 18 I put off talking to my child “until later” because I have no energy — and “later” never comes.
  19. 19 I catch myself feeling irritated simply because my child has turned to me.
  20. 20 I take it out on my child over things that have built up during the day and have nothing to do with them.
Over the last two weeks, have you had thoughts of harming yourself, or that you would be better off not living?

Only you can see this answer, and it is not counted in the score. This question is the same in every test: it is about safety, not the topic of the test, and it is asked out of care, not for diagnosis.

Left to answer: 21

This is an author-made self-observation checklist, not a validated instrument and not a medical assessment. It does not diagnose anything and does not replace a consultation with a specialist.

What this is based on

The checklist draws on the idea of sensitive responsiveness from attachment theory (a meta-analysis of infant studies: De Wolff, van IJzendoorn, 1997) and on John Gottman’s model of emotion coaching (Gottman, Katz, Hooven, 1996): how a parent meets the child’s feelings, whether they listen to the end, whether the rules are predictable, whether there is shared time with no purpose, and whether the adult has enough energy left. Five areas — listening, emotional attunement, boundaries and rules, shared time, your own state as a parent — with four statements each; three statements are reverse-scored. The wording is the author’s own; this is self-observation over the past two weeks, not a validated instrument. The total from 0 to 60 falls into four ranges — from contact that is alive and steady to a state in which there is very little contact right now and the first step is support for the parent themselves.

Sources

  1. Gottman J.M., Katz L.F., Hooven C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology. DOI 10.1037/0893-3200.10.3.243
  2. De Wolff M.S., van IJzendoorn M.H. (1997). Sensitivity and attachment: A meta-analysis on parental antecedents of infant attachment. Child Development. DOI 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1997.tb04218.x
  3. Kerr M., Stattin H. (2000). What parents know, how they know it, and several forms of adolescent adjustment: Further support for a reinterpretation of monitoring. Developmental Psychology. DOI 10.1037/0012-1649.36.3.366
  4. Pinquart M. (2017). Associations of parenting dimensions and styles with externalizing problems of children and adolescents: An updated meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology. DOI 10.1037/dev0000295
  5. Mikolajczak M., Gross J.J., Roskam I. (2019). Parental burnout: What is it, and why does it matter? Clinical Psychological Science. DOI 10.1177/2167702619858430

Want your conversations back, without the interrogation?

At a meeting for parents we will look at what has changed in your contact and where to start at your child’s particular age — without looking for someone to blame.

Book a meeting for parents

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