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Do you hear each other?

18 statements about how the two of you hear each other, talk, make up and spend time together. Answer the way you see it — about the last two weeks and as things really are: there are no right answers. Your result with a profile by four areas appears straight away.

  • 18 questions
  • about 5 minutes
  • answers never leave your browser
Two people's hands side by side on a table

Answers are processed in your browser only: they are never sent to the site and they disappear when you refresh the page.

If you feel very bad right now and have thoughts of harming yourself, or that you would be better off not living, do not wait for an appointment. Contact your local emergency service. In Kazakhstan — 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty). In another country, call your local emergency number.

Question 1 of 18

  1. 1 When my partner is telling me something, I listen with half an ear and carry on with what I was doing.
    How often has this been true over the last two weeks?
  2. 2 I notice when my partner is looking for my attention and respond, even in the middle of something.
  3. 3 I find it hard to say what is making my partner happy and what is worrying them right now.
  4. 4 I interrupt my partner or finish their sentences before they have finished.
  5. 5 I open a difficult conversation with a reproach or with generalisations like “always” and “never”.
  6. 6 When my partner tells me something has hurt them, my first move is to justify myself or answer with a complaint of my own.
  7. 7 In an argument I slip into mockery, eye-rolling or hurtful generalisations about my partner's character.
  8. 8 I put off an important conversation because I already know how it will end.
  9. 9 I keep my grievances to myself, and then they all come out at once.
  10. 10 When a conversation heats up, I go quiet and withdraw into myself, and that is where it ends.
  11. 11 After an argument we act as if nothing happened and never come back to talk about it.
  12. 12 We come back to a conversation that turned harsh and finish it calmly.
  13. 13 After an argument I hold on to the hurt for a long time and do not make the first move.
  14. 14 I feel lonely even when we are together.
  15. 15 In the evening the phone or a TV show turns out to be more interesting than talking to each other.
  16. 16 We have time together with no purpose or use — simply to be with each other.
  17. 17 Our conversations come down to chores and logistics: who, where, what to buy.
  18. 18 Days go by without the two of us laughing together about something of our own.
Over the last two weeks, have you had thoughts of harming yourself, or that you would be better off not living?

Only you can see this answer, and it is not counted in the score. This question is the same in every test: it is about safety, not the topic of the test, and it is asked out of care, not for diagnosis.

Left to answer: 19

This is an author-made self-observation checklist, not a validated instrument and not a medical assessment. It does not diagnose anything and does not replace a consultation with a specialist.

What this is based on

The checklist draws on the work of John Gottman: the “four horsemen” of conflict (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling), responsiveness to a partner's everyday bids for attention, and attempts at repair after arguments — as well as on the model of intimacy as a process of “opening up and being responded to” (Laurenceau, Barrett, Rovine, 2005). The wording of the statements is original; no item is copied from any existing questionnaire. This is self-observation, not a validated instrument: the total of 0–54 is divided into four bands — from live contact to a conversation that has almost stopped — and shows your side of the picture over the last two weeks.

Sources

  1. Gottman J.M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology. DOI 10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.57
  2. Gottman J.M., Coan J., Carrère S., Swanson C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family. DOI 10.2307/353438
  3. Driver J.L., Gottman J.M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process. DOI 10.1111/j.1545-5300.2004.00024.x
  4. Laurenceau J.-P., Barrett L.F., Rovine M.J. (2005). The interpersonal process model of intimacy in marriage: A daily-diary and multilevel modeling approach. Journal of Family Psychology. DOI 10.1037/0893-3200.19.2.314
  5. Roddy M.K., Walsh L.M., Rothman K., Hatch S.G., Doss B.D. (2020). Meta-analysis of couple therapy: Effects across outcomes, designs, timeframes, and other moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. DOI 10.1037/ccp0000514

Would you like to get your conversations back, without the arguments?

At a session for the couple we look at where contact breaks and agree on steps that can be tested in an ordinary week

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