Why couples argue in circles: the script of a single conflict
The triggers for arguments vary — the dishes, money, “you’re on your phone again” — yet the argument itself is somehow the same every time. The same lines, the same tone of voice, the same ending: a door slams, two hours of silence, the evening is ruined. That is not a coincidence. A repeating conflict has a script, and the script is stronger than the trigger.
- Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist
- Updated: September 27, 2026
What the cycle looks like
One partner touches a nerve — most often not with words but with a tone of voice or a lack of attention. The other goes on the defensive: an excuse, a counter-accusation or silence[1]. In that defence the first hears “I’m not being heard” and pushes harder. The second digs in[2]. Five minutes later the argument is no longer about the dishes — it is about “which of us is impossible to live with”, and on that subject there are no winners.
Why the cycle is hard to escape from the inside
In the middle of an argument both bodies are running in threat mode: the pulse is up, the breathing is short and the ability to hear the other person drops. Reaching an agreement in that state is hard for physiological reasons alone — which is why “let’s talk about this calmly” does not work at the height of it[1]. This is what the calming practices — a pause, breathing with a long out-breath, grounding — are for: the body settles first, and only then does a conversation become possible. A study by Levenson and Gottman found that the stronger a couple’s physiological arousal during an argument, the more their marital satisfaction declined over the following years[3].
What the two of you can do
Agree on a pause rule in advance, while things are calm: either of you can say “stop, let’s come back to this in twenty minutes” — and that is not running away; it is a way of looking after the conversation. Coming back is essential: a pause without a return turns into silence. And try, just once, to name the cycle itself out loud: “look, we’re going round our usual loop again” — a couple that can see its own script from the outside is no longer entirely inside it.
When a third person is needed
If the cycle has been repeating for years, if after each argument it takes longer and longer before you feel like making up, if words have been said that cannot be forgotten — that is work for a session with a third person in the room[4]: from the outside, the script comes into view faster than from the inside. To see how well you are hearing each other right now, try the test for couples.
Important: if your arguments involve shoving, threats, intimidation, or control over money, your phone or who you see, if you feel afraid around your partner — that is not a “cycle”; it is abuse. Joint couples sessions are not safe here: what comes first is separate support and a safety plan. If you are in danger right now, call 112 in Kazakhstan or your local emergency number elsewhere; 111 is Kazakhstan’s free, round-the-clock helpline on family matters and the rights of women and children.
Sources
- Gottman J.M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 57–75, DOI 10.1037/
0893-3200.7.1.57 - Schrodt P., Witt P.L., Shimkowski J.R. (2014). A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58, DOI 10.1080/
03637751.2013.813632 - Levenson R.W., Gottman J.M. (1985). Physiological and affective predictors of change in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49(1), 85–94, DOI 10.1037/
0022-3514.49.1.85 - Roddy M.K., Walsh L.M., Rothman K., Hatch S.G., Doss B.D. (2020). Meta-analysis of couple therapy: Effects across outcomes, designs, timeframes, and other moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 88(7), 583–596, DOI 10.1037/
ccp0000514
The limits of this article
This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help.
If you feel very bad right now — in Kazakhstan call 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty).
If conversations keep going round in the same circle — in a session we can go through one recent episode, without looking for who is to blame.
See also
- Test “Do you hear each other”a checklist for couples
- Couples and family therapyhow work with a couple goes
- Silence in a coupleTwo kinds of silence look alike from the outside; from the inside there is no mistaking them. Three questions to tell them apart.
- How to talk about moneyThe argument is often not only about money — it is also about safety, freedom and fairness.