A child and divorce: what to say and what not to say
For adults, divorce is a crisis; for a child, it is an earthquake in the only world they have. The good news is that a great deal depends on how the adults handle the divorce and whether they keep the child’s support in place[1]. When parents divorce with care, the child usually keeps both of them to lean on.
- Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist
- Updated: September 28, 2026
What must be said
Say it in simple words, and together if at all possible: “We have decided to live apart. That is a grown-up decision, and it is not your fault. We are both still your parents.” Children often take the blame for the divorce on themselves — especially younger ones (psychologists even measure such beliefs with a dedicated scale[2]). That blame has to be lifted with words, directly and more than once. Then the practicalities: where will I live, where will my things be, when will I see Dad or Mum — a child’s anxiety feeds on an unsettled timetable.
What must never be said
Nothing bad about the other parent — to a child, that parent is half of who they are. Don’t make the child a messenger (“tell your father…”) or a spy (“so what’s going on at Mum’s…”)[3]. Don’t weigh them down with adult truths about affairs and money: a child needs a child-sized truth. And don’t promise “maybe we’ll still get back together” if it isn’t true — a hope that will be broken twice costs more than honest sadness.
If there was violence in the family, other rules apply: the child’s and adult’s safety outweighs “both parents to lean on” (under threat: 112 in Kazakhstan or your local emergency number; Kazakhstan’s 111 works around the clock).
When to bring in a specialist
When there is regression (bed-wetting — see a paediatrician first; or a school-age child showing the fears of a much younger one), aggression or self-blame that lasts longer than a couple of months, or a refusal to see one of the parents. And one more thing: if the adults are not coping themselves, getting help for yourself is also a way of helping the child.
Sources
- Kelly J.B., Emery R.E. (2003). Children's Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives. Family Relations, DOI 10.1111/
j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x - Kurdek L.A., Berg B. (1987). Children's Beliefs About Parental Divorce Scale: Psychometric characteristics and concurrent validity. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, DOI 10.1037/
0022-006X.55.5.712 - van Dijk R., van der Valk I.E., Deković M., Branje S. (2020). A meta-analysis on interparental conflict, parenting, and child adjustment in divorced families: Examining mediation using meta-analytic structural equation models. Clinical Psychology Review, DOI 10.1016/
j.cpr.2020.101861 - Amato P.R., Keith B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, DOI 10.1037/
0033-2909.110.1.26
The limits of this article
This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help.
If you feel very bad right now — in Kazakhstan call 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty).
If you are unsure who to start with — the child or yourself — the first conversation can be held with the adult alone, and together we can choose a gentle format.
See also
- Child psychologistwork with the child and the parents
- Couples and family therapyhow work with a couple goes
- Childhood traumaNot every upset is trauma. The difference lies not only in the event but also in the formula “force of the blow × support at hand”.
- Why a psychologist “just plays”Play is the language in which a child tells you what they cannot say in words.