Loneliness in a big city: why there are fewer connections
You can live in a city of a million people, have hundreds of contacts in your phone and be replying in five chats at once — and still come home in the evening to a silence that rings in your ears. More and more often, loneliness is not the absence of people but the absence of depth amid an excess of contact.
- Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist
- Updated: September 28, 2026
How we got here
Adult friendship is costly to build: it needs regularity, a shared context and unhurried time — exactly what a city eats up first. School and university handed us friendship “for free”, through the setting itself; after thirty, that setting has to be built by hand, and our hands are full. Messaging creates an illusion of connection: the contact is there, the nourishment is not — like a picture of food. And then there is plain tiredness: after a day of dealing with people for work, there is nothing left over for the people you actually want to see.
Why this matters beyond your mood
Chronic loneliness is a recognised risk factor for mental and physical health[1]: it goes hand in hand with anxiety and low mood[2], and among young people the link is especially clear[3]. According to the report of the WHO Commission on Social Connection (2025), roughly one in six people worldwide experience loneliness[3]. It is not a shameful weakness; like hunger, it is a signal that something is missing.
What works
Regularity rather than spontaneity: a fixed slot rather than a vague “we’ll message sometime” — the gym on Tuesdays, dinner once a month. Adult friendship runs to a timetable. A setting rather than a hunt: instead of “looking for friends” (in my experience, going at it head-on rarely works), go where people regularly do something together — sport, a language class, volunteering. Connections form sideways, out of a shared activity. Depth rather than reach: one conversation that is not about practicalities nourishes more than a week of messaging, so start with “how are you, really?”, asked of someone you could have that conversation with. According to a meta-analysis, what helps most is not “more events” but working with thoughts such as “they will reject me”[4]. And honesty with yourself. If getting close stalls at the same point every time — it feels frightening to open up, or a voice says “who needs me anyway” — then that is inner work[4].
Sources
- Holt-Lunstad J., Smith T.B., Baker M., et al. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, DOI 10.1177/
1745691614568352 - Mann F., Wang J., Pearce E., et al. (2022). Loneliness and the onset of new mental health problems in the general population. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, DOI 10.1007/
s00127-022-02261-7 - World Health Organization (2025). From loneliness to social connection: charting a path to healthier societies. Report of the WHO Commission on Social Connection. World Health Organization, URL www.who.int/
publications/ i/ item/ 978240112360 - Masi C.M., Chen H.-Y., Hawkley L.C., et al. (2010). A Meta-Analysis of Interventions to Reduce Loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, DOI 10.1177/
1088868310377394
The limits of this article
This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help.
If you feel very bad right now — in Kazakhstan call 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty).
If getting close stalls at the same point every time, this is something that can be worked on in a consultation.