--- title: "Loneliness in the city: why there are fewer connections" description: "Why a big city is full of people yet short of close connections, what is at stake beyond your mood, and what actually helps." url: https://manasiway.com/en/articles/urban-loneliness/ lang: en updated: 2026-09-28 tokens: 1348 --- # Loneliness in a big city: why there are fewer connections You can live in a city of a million people, have hundreds of contacts in your phone and be replying in five chats at once — and still come home in the evening to a silence that rings in your ears. More and more often, loneliness is not the absence of people but the absence of depth amid an excess of contact. - Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist - Updated: September 28, 2026 ## How we got here Adult friendship is costly to build: it needs regularity, a shared context and unhurried time — exactly what a city eats up first. School and university handed us friendship “for free”, through the setting itself; after thirty, that setting has to be built by hand, and our hands are full. Messaging creates an illusion of connection: the contact is there, the nourishment is not — like a picture of food. And then there is plain tiredness: after a day of dealing with people for work, there is nothing left over for the people you actually want to see. ## Why this matters beyond your mood Chronic loneliness is a recognised risk factor for mental and physical health[1]: it goes hand in hand with anxiety and low mood[2], and among young people the link is especially clear[3]. According to the report of the WHO Commission on Social Connection (2025), roughly one in six people worldwide experience loneliness[3]. It is not a shameful weakness; like hunger, it is a signal that something is missing. ## What works Regularity rather than spontaneity: a fixed slot rather than a vague “we’ll message sometime” — the gym on Tuesdays, dinner once a month. Adult friendship runs to a timetable. A setting rather than a hunt: instead of “looking for friends” (in my experience, going at it head-on rarely works), go where people regularly do something together — sport, a language class, volunteering. Connections form sideways, out of a shared activity. Depth rather than reach: one conversation that is not about practicalities nourishes more than a week of messaging, so start with “how are you, really?”, asked of someone you could have that conversation with. According to a meta-analysis, what helps most is not “more events” but working with thoughts such as “they will reject me”[4]. And honesty with yourself. If getting close stalls at the same point every time — it feels frightening to open up, or a voice says “who needs me anyway” — then that is inner work[4]. ## Sources 1. Holt-Lunstad J., Smith T.B., Baker M., et al. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. *Perspectives on Psychological Science*, [DOI 10.1177/1745691614568352](https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352) 2. Mann F., Wang J., Pearce E., et al. (2022). Loneliness and the onset of new mental health problems in the general population. *Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology*, [DOI 10.1007/s00127-022-02261-7](https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-022-02261-7) 3. World Health Organization (2025). From loneliness to social connection: charting a path to healthier societies. Report of the WHO Commission on Social Connection. *World Health Organization*, [URL www.who.int/publications/i/item/978240112360](https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/978240112360) 4. Masi C.M., Chen H.-Y., Hawkley L.C., et al. (2010). A Meta-Analysis of Interventions to Reduce Loneliness. *Personality and Social Psychology Review*, [DOI 10.1177/1088868310377394](https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868310377394) ## The limits of this article This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help. If you feel very bad right now — in Kazakhstan call 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty). If getting close stalls at the same point every time, this is something that can be worked on in a consultation. - [Book a consultation](https://manasiway.com/en/booking/#consultation-60) - [Message on WhatsApp](https://wa.me/77025360139) ## See also - [Individual therapy](https://manasiway.com/en/consultations/) — how one-to-one work goes - [Booking](https://manasiway.com/en/booking/) — choose a format and book - [An AI companion instead of a psychologist](https://manasiway.com/en/articles/ai-companion/) — What AI does reasonably well, where the line runs and how to use it sensibly. - [Phone and doomscrolling](https://manasiway.com/en/articles/phone-and-doomscrolling/) — Why it is so sticky, an honest self-test and what works against the feed. --- HTML version: https://manasiway.com/en/articles/urban-loneliness/ · Booking: https://manasiway.com/en/booking/ · WhatsApp: https://wa.me/77025360139 · Telegram: https://t.me/Lyudmila_manasiway