---
title: "How to rebuild trust after infidelity: where to start"
description: "What happens to both partners once trust has broken, the conditions under which couples rebuild it, and where the work begins."
url: https://manasiway.com/en/articles/trust-crisis/
lang: en
updated: 2026-09-28
tokens: 1512
---

# A crisis of trust: can it be rebuilt and where the work begins

Trust breaks in different ways: infidelity, hidden debts, promises broken yet again, messages that were never meant to be seen. What they have in common is this: a world that seemed solid turned out not to be — and now every word your partner says has to pass inspection.

- Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist
- Updated: September 28, 2026

## What happens afterwards

The person whose trust was betrayed lives with two kinds of pain at once: the event itself, and the constant work of an inner detective — double-checking, cross-referencing, making sure nothing slips past again. This is more exhausting than it looks from the outside. The person who broke the trust is often in a hurry to move on: “I’ve said sorry — how many times are we going back over this?” That impatience is a second wound: it tells the other that their pain is an inconvenience.

## Can it be rebuilt

The honest answer: not always — and that too is a normal outcome, one that two people can settle decently between them[1]. But many couples who have been through infidelity improve their relationship considerably in therapy[2]. In my experience — and according to the model of recovery from infidelity developed by Kristina Gordon and colleagues[3] — three conditions matter for this. The one who broke the trust takes responsibility without counter-accusations and keeps answering the questions for as long as they are needed, not just while it is comfortable to do so. The one who was betrayed gradually agrees not to check everything — otherwise life turns into surveillance, and there is no closeness in that. And both accept that what they are rebuilding is not “how it was” but something new: the old trust does not come back; a different kind is built in its place.

## The acute phase: stabilisation first

The acute phase of a crisis like this is a genuine stress reaction — sleep and appetite are disrupted, thoughts intrude[4] — and basic stabilisation skills come before any conversation about “us”. Decisions taken in the first week are, more often than not, made by the pain rather than by the person.

## Where the work begins

It does not begin with “forgive or leave” — that question is not decided at the start. The work begins with ground rules that make the coming month safe: how everyday life will run, how questions will be handled, when to pause. Then, what the event meant to each of you. Only after that comes a decision about the future — one not made in the middle of the storm[3]. You can come as a couple, or one of you can come first: sorting out your own part is already a step forward. The exception is violence, threats or coercive control: then joint couples sessions are not safe, and you start with separate support (if you are in danger right now, call 112 in Kazakhstan or your local emergency number elsewhere; Kazakhstan’s 111 is free and available around the clock).

## Sources

1. Marín R.A., Christensen A., Atkins D.C. (2014). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following therapy. *Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(1), 1–12*, [DOI 10.1037/cfp0000012](https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000012)
2. Atkins D.C., Marín R.A., Lo T.T.Y., Klann N., Hahlweg K. (2010). Outcomes of couples with infidelity in a community-based sample of couple therapy. *Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 212–216*, [DOI 10.1037/a0018789](https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018789)
3. Gordon K.C., Baucom D.H., Snyder D.K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. *Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213–231*, [DOI 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01235.x](https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01235.x)
4. Warach B., Josephs L. (2019). The aftershocks of infidelity: a review of infidelity-based attachment trauma. *Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 36(1), 68–90*, [DOI 10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961](https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961)

## The limits of this article

This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help.

If you feel very bad right now — in Kazakhstan call 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty).

If conversations keep going round in the same circle — in a session we can go through one recent episode, without looking for who is to blame.

- [Book a couples session](https://manasiway.com/en/booking/#family-120)
- [Message on WhatsApp](https://wa.me/77025360139)

## See also

- [Couples and family therapy](https://manasiway.com/en/family-therapy/) — how work with a couple goes
- [Booking](https://manasiway.com/en/booking/) — choose a format and book
- [Alone or together](https://manasiway.com/en/articles/alone-or-together/) — “My partner won’t come” is not a dead end. When to come as a couple, and when to come alone.
- [Why couples argue in circles](https://manasiway.com/en/articles/why-couples-argue-in-circles/) — A repeating argument has a script, and the script is stronger than any trigger.

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