--- title: "How to tell a child about divorce and what not to say" description: "What a child needs to hear, which phrases to avoid and when to bring in a specialist. Children can get through a divorce when the adults keep things steady." url: https://manasiway.com/en/articles/child-and-divorce/ lang: en updated: 2026-09-28 tokens: 1334 --- # A child and divorce: what to say and what not to say For adults, divorce is a crisis; for a child, it is an earthquake in the only world they have. The good news is that a great deal depends on how the adults handle the divorce and whether they keep the child’s support in place[1]. When parents divorce with care, the child usually keeps both of them to lean on. - Lyudmila Chernysheva, psychologist and hypnotherapist - Updated: September 28, 2026 ## What must be said Say it in simple words, and together if at all possible: “We have decided to live apart. That is a grown-up decision, and it is not your fault. We are both still your parents.” Children often take the blame for the divorce on themselves — especially younger ones (psychologists even measure such beliefs with a dedicated scale[2]). That blame has to be lifted with words, directly and more than once. Then the practicalities: where will I live, where will my things be, when will I see Dad or Mum — a child’s anxiety feeds on an unsettled timetable. ## What must never be said Nothing bad about the other parent — to a child, that parent is half of who they are. Don’t make the child a messenger (“tell your father…”) or a spy (“so what’s going on at Mum’s…”)[3]. Don’t weigh them down with adult truths about affairs and money: a child needs a child-sized truth. And don’t promise “maybe we’ll still get back together” if it isn’t true — a hope that will be broken twice costs more than honest sadness. If there was violence in the family, other rules apply: the child’s and adult’s safety outweighs “both parents to lean on” (under threat: 112 in Kazakhstan or your local emergency number; Kazakhstan’s 111 works around the clock). ## Harder than the divorce: the drawn-out conflict Most children adapt over time after a divorce; long-term difficulties are linked above all to drawn-out conflict and the loss of support[1][3][4]. ## When to bring in a specialist When there is regression (bed-wetting — see a paediatrician first; or a school-age child showing the fears of a much younger one), aggression or self-blame that lasts longer than a couple of months, or a refusal to see one of the parents. And one more thing: if the adults are not coping themselves, getting help for yourself is also a way of helping the child. ## Sources 1. Kelly J.B., Emery R.E. (2003). Children's Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives. *Family Relations*, [DOI 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x](https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x) 2. Kurdek L.A., Berg B. (1987). Children's Beliefs About Parental Divorce Scale: Psychometric characteristics and concurrent validity. *Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology*, [DOI 10.1037/0022-006X.55.5.712](https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.55.5.712) 3. van Dijk R., van der Valk I.E., Deković M., Branje S. (2020). A meta-analysis on interparental conflict, parenting, and child adjustment in divorced families: Examining mediation using meta-analytic structural equation models. *Clinical Psychology Review*, [DOI 10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101861](https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101861) 4. Amato P.R., Keith B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. *Psychological Bulletin*, [DOI 10.1037/0033-2909.110.1.26](https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.110.1.26) ## The limits of this article This article is for information only: it does not replace a consultation or a doctor's help. If you feel very bad right now — in Kazakhstan call 112 or 103; free round-the-clock psychological help — 1303 (Almaty). If you are unsure who to start with — the child or yourself — the first conversation can be held with the adult alone, and together we can choose a gentle format. - [Book a consultation](https://manasiway.com/en/booking/#child-50) - [Message on WhatsApp](https://wa.me/77025360139) ## See also - [Child psychologist](https://manasiway.com/en/child-psychologist/) — work with the child and the parents - [Couples and family therapy](https://manasiway.com/en/family-therapy/) — how work with a couple goes - [Childhood trauma](https://manasiway.com/en/articles/childhood-trauma/) — Not every upset is trauma. The difference lies not only in the event but also in the formula “force of the blow × support at hand”. - [Why a psychologist “just plays”](https://manasiway.com/en/articles/play-therapy/) — Play is the language in which a child tells you what they cannot say in words. --- HTML version: https://manasiway.com/en/articles/child-and-divorce/ · Booking: https://manasiway.com/en/booking/ · WhatsApp: https://wa.me/77025360139 · Telegram: https://t.me/Lyudmila_manasiway